Scars
by Caitlynnn
Summary: He has scars all over his body, the ones Clare cannot know of, she has a scarred heart one he cannot know of. She's supposed to be strong lighthouse for him in his darkness. They both are holding each other back, leaving scars because they love each other


**This is supposed to be a fluff piece. Kind of is? I don't know. My version of a fluff piece. **

**Dedication: For Gehad. She won't read my depressing stuff until she gets a fluff piece. **

**For the record, this was REALLY hard to write considering that Clare is just…. Yeah. No words. SO, I must love you if I forced myself to write this… **

**Enjoy, and don't forget to review… **

**I do not own Degrassi, just my morbid mind. **

** Scars.**

** -,-,-,-,-**

He has scars on his arms. Not big enough to attract attention, but small scars, the ones that hurts the most. His knuckles are bruised and scratched up.

Clare doesn't know that he had an outrage a couple nights ago. But even if she did she would be oblivious. No one really wants to know the answer, when it's so fucking obvious.

She didn't know what she was getting herself into when she started to date him. Welcome to the dark side, Clare Edwards. Eli doesn't like to label himself dark, but he'll take pride in it. Keeps the stupid and the haters away. He intimidates most, but he could care less. Clare tends to stick to the positive. The, everything is okay, let's all just be happy charade. They don't clash well together. They weren't supposed to clash together at all. No one was suppose to fall in love with each other. The light and the dark… when they clash, you get an explosion.

But is this love, or is just the heat of the moment?

He puts his hand on her waist, and pulls her into him, tighter and closer. She smiles but she cringes. His attitude is different. She wants to know why he just can't be happy. Why he just can't enjoy the moment without any tension. But still, she greets each kiss, but her lips are numb. Mother isn't home yet, but she will be soon.

Clare test the waters and slides her hand up his shirt, for a moment, he watches her as she shakes, but he nods to her, telling her its okay. Weird, isn't suppose to be the other way around? But she broke his heart, trampled it to pieces, and even though it took them a while to get back her, she wants to do this right… or try her damn hardest to do this right by taking it a step at a time.

Her hands graze his stomach a bit, and he reflexes, and then cringes. Something is wrong. Something is definitely wrong. Clare wants to hide in a hole, her embarrassment catching up to her. So she puts her head in his shoulder. For a second Eli laughs, and tilts her head up so he can look at her.

"What?" He asks her, placing her hand back on his stomach. "Did I go too far?" She whispers, trying to revert her eyes from him. He isn't having that.

Eli is taken back to a dark place. When they weren't together, and when he was using his anxiety pills to its fullest. When he didn't feel anything. But he was in a good place, right? He was happy…. Content where he was. But still. Not feeling anything and craving for a feeling again… it can drive someone to their breaking point.

He remembers, his parents had gone upstairs and he had sneaked into the kitchen and took a regular kitchen knife, he looked at it for a while, the moon just reflecting it perfectly. The sharp edges were intimidating. He was never one of those people to suppress pain upon himself intentionally- as in having somewhat rational thoughts, but in that instance he wanted to plunge it in his stomach so he can forever bleed out. But instead, he lifted his shirt up and smoothed out a little. He tested to see how he could do this. His stomach was smooth, and he hated that he couldn't have a body of a jock. Clare seemed to like that style. But he didn't want to do this for Clare; he tried to forever get over her.

There were many other things that had been bothering him throughout this dark time in his life… his family for example, watching him like a hawk, asking him if he's okay. Can we get you this? Can we get you that? Though even on the pill it was enough to make him pissed off. The pills, he noticed made him feel two things… anger and numbness. Though anger is an emotion, it was just enough to make him feel nothing. Sometimes you can have so many emotions running through you that it causes you to feel nothing. We don't know why that is. The human spirit is something you can't really figure out without getting lost in yourself.

As he takes a risk, holds his breath, he slowly slides it across his stomach, and carves an A. He bleeds. He quickly runs to the restroom and uses his black towel and holds it there. It hurts. He doesn't like the feeling of the knife go across. The feeling is unpleasant and it feels funny… not right. But scars… scars show something. They show just how fucked the world is… how fucked people are, and how fucked his morbid mind is.

From that day on, he promised he'd never do it again. But that's like a drug addict saying he'll never snort it up again. It just doesn't work.

So why is it that self abuse so addicting? One cut, that's all it took. It controls you in a way you don't even know. You don't realize you crave it until its too late. Like a drinker whose had a shot of vodka. The burn of it going down your throat is not pleasant, but you crave more of it because you secretly like it.

Eli just stares at Clare now, coming out of his trance.

"No, Edwards, you're fine." He gives her a small smile and she just looks down in embarrassment. She sighs until she is confident enough to do it again.

"Trust me, it feels nice," He reassures her. Sure, it feels nice, but her hands are burning his stomach every touch. He tries to not cringe, but after slashing each damn clean spot he can find, he can't help it.

Clare knows there is something wrong, she's messed it up again, but she keeps grazing. He looks away for a while, and Clare has enough courage to pull his shirt up a bit more.

But she doesn't want to look.

Furthering her testing, she slowly straddles him and he leans back against the headboard, his hands still placed on her waist. Even if its him that is still a little wavering, he still wants to respect her boundaries, too.

Clare removes her hands away from under his shirt to his arms, though he has a long sleeve on, she rubs his arms. It's a sweet gesture, he thinks. But he still has his dark secrets.

What he did at night, he never told anyone. Though he did his stomach and cut it all up with words and sayings, he did his arms, too. He didn't put words but he did regular cuts. Some big cuts, some small cuts. Being taken back to the beginning, he started to punch walls. Though it made him miserable with the aftermath on his body, in the moment it felt good. Beating the living shit out on a wall made him feel so much better. When he couldn't reach a wall, he would yank his hair out and millions of strands of his hair would be all over the floor. He really wants to know why he acts this way, but the pills help… they really do… its better than hurting a person, right?

Eli tenses up as she starts to fold up the sleeves, he really just wants to hide under his bed, and be the monster that he is. Though his scarred arms are up more his arms he still tenses.

"That's good enough," He stops her, and she looks confused. He wants to keep going, it's not going too fast for him, he's worried about his scars.

She's about to ask what's wrong, but he stops her with a demanding kiss, with angst on his lips. God, why does this feel so wrong to her? It's rough and harsh, but this is just a distraction.

Though Clare doesn't have any scars on her body, she still has a scarred heart. Her boyfriend is one person she is scared most of. This isn't healthy, she doesn't feel safe, and her heart doesn't get all warm and fuzzy when she sees him. He has a miserable look, but deep, deep down inside…. She loves him, right?

There is a difference between being in love with someone and loving someone.

She hasn't made up her mind of which one she's feeling.

He whispers I love you's in her ear, and he tells her that she is the most beautiful person he has ever met, and he means everything he says, and she smiles and does small open mouth kisses on his neck.

Eventually she would break his heart, because that is what happens in love. No one stays together anymore. Everyone is pretending to feel something for one another but it just doesn't work out like that.

For now as he kisses her, each kiss spreading poison and anger through his body, he smiles, his other hand reaching over and pulling down his sleeves. His scales- his scars cannot show.

But they both are going to end up hurting each other, because they love each other… right?

**I'm sorry, it sucked. **

**Review? **


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